The Best of the Internet

So, for the past few days I have been sucked in to looking at picture lists on the internet of all sorts of things. Funny things, perceptive things, even artsy things. Well, I've downloaded a few of them and now I want to share them with you:

Break Dance Crime Scene

Do You Ever Have a Hard Time Cutting Through Pennies?

Right now I'm a knife sales woman. Cutco knives, only the best. In a normal demonstration we go through each knife in a particular set and tell the names and uses of each. But I wanted to put my own little spin on it so I gave each a nickname (Sasha helped out too).

You have your:

"Dice it up nice" parring knife,

"Never squish another tomato" trimmer,

"No brownie left behind" spatula spreader,

"My jack-o-lantern is the best" petite carver,

"Can cook my bacon and eat it too" turning fork,

"Didn't need time to defrost" butcher knife,

"Fresh from the oven with butter" slicer,

"No plug-in required to cut through this bird" carving knife and fork,

"Look I'm pro already" chef knife,

"Bad boy" hardy slicer,

"Saves you time to work on that sudoku" santoku knife,

"I actually cut the cheese" cheese knife,

"Even if my meat is tough no one will notice 'til they chew" table knife,

and,

"Really does lift and separate" cleaver.

Now if those nicknames don't make you want to buy a set of knives from me then I don't know what will...

A Laughing Matter

First question: why wasn't I a part of this?

Second question: how can I set something like this up?

Third question: is it prideful of me to set up a competition where I know I would win?

My James Bond Moment

As most of you know I used to work for a Chinese restaurant (The Mandarin Grill) where I started as a delivery driver. But what you don't know is that I have secret ninja skills (hence the Chinese restaurant). One night, when I was a fairly new driver, I had gotten an order and went out to my car to start my journey to light someone's life up. After I started my car I thought, "I don't know where I'm going". So I decided to quickly run back inside and look at the map. I got out of my car and as I'm about to walk inside a miracle happened: I remembered where the address was. It wasn't a miracle that I remembered, mind you, but rather the fact that I didn't actually go inside to figure it out. This was because when I turned around to go back to my car I saw it rolling away from me, right into the street. On pure instinct (or maybe I've been training for years?) I ran after my car, got the keys out of my pocket, pushed unlock on the remote, opened up the door and dove in just in time to hit the brakes before that car would've left my life forever. It was pretty epic, and I felt like an action hero.

But the best part was that my boss, Winni, had seen it all happen on the camera. She told me that she was yelling inside the restaurant and even scared some customers. Of course, all of that happened without my knowledge and so after I hit the brakes I shut the door, turned the car back on, and headed out to deliver the food. But before I could turn onto the main street, Bee, a cashier, ran out to ask me if I was okay since I had disappeared from camera before I actually stopped the car. It all ended with a "yeah I'm fine" and I went on with my night.

For a moment I was awesome. For a moment I actually felt athletic. For a moment I was Bond, James Bond.

Stay Awake Syndrome

I think some people would make the mistake of calling this insomnia, but they'd be wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me but there comes a point at night when I'm tired and if I just finish my nightly routine then I can go to sleep but I take forever to actually do it.

I think it also has something to do with the internet. I mean, while sometimes the usual hot spots on the internet can be pretty boring (facebook, blogstalking, email (which has basically gone the way of caller I.D.: super cool when it first came out and now is just another way for me to reject people who want to stay in contact with me), etc.) there are still a million things to entertain yourself with on the internet.

I'm an addiction junkie. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But this does mean that once I've committed to whatever I've just stumbled upon I won't stop until I know most everything about it, despite the time. So when I suddenly discover the wonder of multitracks then I'm gunna watch at least a dozen of them. And when I find a blog that speaks to the geek in me I won't be able to stop reading until I've seen every "Best Post". Or when I actually feel like connecting with people then I do turn to facebook and look at all their pictures, notes, and any other fun things on their wall. I think I'm best at stalking when it's late at night. But I guess that's why stalkers are usually depicted at night. Hey, maybe they're not really creepers they're just people looking to procrastinate going to bed? Think about it.

Dear Hulu,

Who knew how great you would be? I sure didn't. In fact, when I first heard about you, I thought that Todd was speaking baby talk, and that you really couldn't be as fabulous as he claimed you were (not to mention the fact that I couldn't find you because I thought you were spelled wholoo). I am so happy to say that he was right.

As the years have gone by, my love for you has grown directly proportionate to how many shows you've gained the rights to exhibit with short commercial breaks. I don't know what my need for an addiction would be placed on without your endless tracks of television.

Thank you for telling me what shows I would like based on what I watch. Thank you for putting the most popular shows on your front page. But most of all, thank you for adding ABC shows to your ranks (don't worry, we'll get The CW one of these days...).

I don't know how (except the fact that I go to your page more than once a day), but you've made me who I am. You have changed my world forever, and I never want to go back to those long ago days when I had to watch a show when it was first aired (or more recently when it was blurry because I was watching them on a Chinese website). Oh bless you Hulu, because now I don't have to be subject to air! Now I am subject only to nets.

Hulu, you are the reason that Al invented the internet. You are its crowning achievement.

Thank you Hulu, thank you.

Second Life

This is my 50th post, how exciting is that? Some of you may have read a different 50th post but now you see it's not there. The obvious answer to this dilemma is that you went back in time, from before I wrote the post: SURPRISE ATTACK!! I know that's what happened to me, if only it had warped me to before I ever saw Legends of the Fall...

Anyway, I was inspired by a comment that Lindsay (Dick, to those unfortunate enough to not know who I'm talking about) made earlier this evening. We were talking about Chuck and how the character Bryce Larkin technically died on that show, but she said, "he didn't really die, he just went into protective services and is now Neil Caffrey who solves crime with the FBI" (okay so those aren't her exact words, but who has the time to memorize exactly what people say (Colton)). So, I thought it would be interesting to take a journey with some of my favorite TV actors through their characters. Here we go:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Most of us know him as lovable and oh so charming Zack Morris. He was definitely my first TV crush. Well, apparently when you grow up with privilege (I mean he probably had the first cell phone ever made) what you really turn out to be is a gritty police officer in New York. I really can't understand why someone who got Kelly Kapowski (who is now, btw, married to the FBI agent that Neil Caffrey works with... coincidence?) in high school and made every teenage girl's heart swoon would then grow out his hair and become disgusting, but if you've got something to prove...

David Boreanaz

This one is easy because of course a soulful vampire would want to solve crimes. In fact, I believe Angel tried to help stop other vampires from killing people. And now Special Agent Seeley Booth (sounds like an alias to me) works exclusively with skeletal remains. I think it's because he doesn't want to be tempted by the blood residing in normal cadavers.

Neil Patrick Harris

Barney Stinson's misogynistic ways can clearly be traced back to the fact that he was a doctor by 14. If I grew up with so much power I definitely would be legen... wait for it, wait for it, I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next word is... dary.

Lauren Graham

She started out as a quirky commitment-phobe with mother issues and now she's a quirky commitment-phobe with daddy issues. I think she's definitely branching out.

Courteney Cox

Well, apparently after Chandler and her moved to the country with their baby(s?) they decided that it just wasn't going to work out because now she's obviously divorced and living the dangerous life of a cougar (if you don't know what that means then you are too far behind in pop culture to even understand this post). Poor Monica, all she ever wanted was someone to love her.

Rainn Wilson

This Tim Alan loving alien turned out all right. He now sells paper and is loving Steve Carell instead. I think it's an improvement, personally. (This one is a stretch because technically I'm referencing a movie...)

And my favorite person right now:

Joshua Jackson

This boy has had a hard life, first he had to learn how to do the Flying V to save the hockey game, and then he had to love Joey Potter. But finally he's grown up and now investigates The Pattern with his nutty professor father and love-of-his-life Olivia. I'm proud of that boy.

This message was sponsored by our good friends over at IMDB.com. If you have any other journeys that have inspired you please feel free to share them with us.