I'm Still Here

I don't usually like to get too sentimental on my blog, I feel that it's kind of an in-person privilege, but I took a plane ride with Jamie this weekend and I feel a need to share. I was listening to my ipod on the plane and when Nicotine's version of Don't Look Back in Anger came on I felt the loss of him all over again. Looking around I saw that without noticing I had worn almost exactly the same clothes as I did to his funeral. The man sitting next to me not only was a little brown, but was wearing a green jacket that was so similar to my friend's that I almost broke down before the drinks were handed out. And then Phantom Planet came on and I relived the moments we would rock out to them in his car. It's honestly the first time that I have felt that Jamie was truly with me since he died. How fitting that it would be in a plane. I miss so much of our friendship, not the least of which is singing to our songs. But I really long to just laugh with him again, and to have an easy conversation with him. I think he lit up every life that he touched. He was like a torch in my life and when it went out I didn't know what to do with the darkness so I ignored it. But that night, feeling that light again, I realized how dark it has been. No one is like Jamie. It's like I'm starving and nothing can satiate the craving. I feel at home in Chinese restaurants, I have no qualms about playing my music loudly, and I have a liberated gnome, all because of him. There's just no way to hang out with him again in this life, it's a loss I can't comprehend. I don't know how to start. He was my soul-friend, and now part of his soul is elsewhere and I can't reach him. I know he's still around, I know I'll see him again, but that knowledge is minimally comforting when all I want is to talk to him, right now.

But, I guess the bright side to all of this is that I think I'm finally starting to heal. I've accepted the fact that he's dead (man that was hard to write) and although not a huge portion of my daily activities were changed with his loss, I can still move on. I guess I'm having a delayed reaction to all of this, but it's better than feeling like I was missing some essential emotions (which I kind of have been until now). What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad I am human, but still missing Jamie.