Pop Culture Plague

The infection starts slowly but it creeps to your insides and there is no cure. You hear about it through other people and think, it'll never pollute me, I'm safe. Then you are exposed to it on the streets or at work, basically only public places. Still you know that you are being careful not to fall prey to it: you avoid people who have it, you participate in healthy activities, you even ignore the many news stories about it just in case the thought of catching it makes you more vulnerable to it. But you can't avoid it entirely because it's everywhere. It seems like everyone's either got it or about to succumb to it. Then you're suddenly in a position where you can't avert it any longer, you are completely immersed, and you find out that you've actually caught Bieber Fever.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in love with the kid (sure he's cute and has some kickin' dance moves but I wouldn't try to seduce him or anything). I actually don't like that many of his songs. But when a slightly ethnic kid at my school performed "Baby" at the talent show last year something about that performance finally broke down my He-Actually-Has-A-Song-Called-Eenie-Meenie antibodies. Some of you might think, Elspeth, of course you were going to fall in love with him. You have a record of getting overly excited about teen heart throbs (think Zac Efron), but I tried to not like him, I really did. Maybe it was the room full of children singing out their love that struck me in the emotions heart, or maybe I was prone to succumb, but either way I've caught it and I don't think there's any way to go back.

Why you might not respect me anymore (as if the above paragraph wasn't enough):

~ I have contributed to Bieber's bank account

~ I plan on seeing the movie about him (Never Say Never)

~ And my influence has created at least two more feverish fans

A few points that might put a few pieces of respect back:

~ I only own one of his songs (Baby)

~ I don't follow him on Twitter or am friends with him on Facebook

~ I've only seen the music video for the song I own

~ I haven't looked up interviews or pictures of him

~ And I probably will never write another post devoted to him

The way I see it Bieber is basically living the American Dream (yes, I know he's from Canada). He put the work in by making all those videos of his songs. He found the right audience and was discovered by someone who could make his hopes a reality. And now he's super rich and can hire someone else to do any real work he needs done. Also, he gets a bad rap, I mean he was birthed from the internet, achieved the desire of everyone who puts anything public on the web, and now those people can't do anything but rag on him. I can't help but admire his success, but more than that, I can't help but dance my heart out to his song.

Hand Crafted From The Finest Cardboard And Paper

Yeah, I made that.

(Don't be fooled, it's not real brick)

(Somewhat Unrealistic) Goals:

~ Attend the San Diego Comic Con

~ Have enough money to hire a maid to do all of my housework

~ Own all the seasons of Boy Meets World, Lost, Burn Notice, Pushing Daisies, Scrubs, etc.

~ Have a library like Beast's and have enough books to fill it

~ Use up the 500 count water balloon jar I've had for three years already

~ Be clever enough to name at least a hundred gnomes with the word gnome actually in their name

~ Never hand out hand-outs for a church lesson

~ Genuinely love my kindergarten class this year as a whole

~ Read all of the books I own (or have borrowed)

...

Gag List

These are things that really gross me out:

~ Used tissues just lying around

~ The thought of any kind of sharp object penetrating the skin barrier (not the actual action, just the thought)

~ Puke

~ When a gross couple practically spoons in front of you (especially at church)

~ People who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom

~ The texture of an overly ripe banana

~ When you're brushing your teeth and not all of the spit is ejected from your mouth so you have to suck it back into your mouth (once it's out of my body it becomes disgusting to me; also I almost threw up just writing this one down)

~ The thought of putting on previously worn underwear after you shower

~ Picking up a bug after you've killed it even if you're using a tissue

~ Putting on a boy's hat (especially if you can see the sweat marks on it)

~ Changing old people's diapers

~ The thought of using another person's toothbrush/deodorant

~ Saliva in general; whether it's coming from a baby or an animal, I just don't want it on me

What I Drew Today

(Color added on the computer, I can't stay in the lines that well...)

I'm Still Here

I don't usually like to get too sentimental on my blog, I feel that it's kind of an in-person privilege, but I took a plane ride with Jamie this weekend and I feel a need to share. I was listening to my ipod on the plane and when Nicotine's version of Don't Look Back in Anger came on I felt the loss of him all over again. Looking around I saw that without noticing I had worn almost exactly the same clothes as I did to his funeral. The man sitting next to me not only was a little brown, but was wearing a green jacket that was so similar to my friend's that I almost broke down before the drinks were handed out. And then Phantom Planet came on and I relived the moments we would rock out to them in his car. It's honestly the first time that I have felt that Jamie was truly with me since he died. How fitting that it would be in a plane. I miss so much of our friendship, not the least of which is singing to our songs. But I really long to just laugh with him again, and to have an easy conversation with him. I think he lit up every life that he touched. He was like a torch in my life and when it went out I didn't know what to do with the darkness so I ignored it. But that night, feeling that light again, I realized how dark it has been. No one is like Jamie. It's like I'm starving and nothing can satiate the craving. I feel at home in Chinese restaurants, I have no qualms about playing my music loudly, and I have a liberated gnome, all because of him. There's just no way to hang out with him again in this life, it's a loss I can't comprehend. I don't know how to start. He was my soul-friend, and now part of his soul is elsewhere and I can't reach him. I know he's still around, I know I'll see him again, but that knowledge is minimally comforting when all I want is to talk to him, right now.

But, I guess the bright side to all of this is that I think I'm finally starting to heal. I've accepted the fact that he's dead (man that was hard to write) and although not a huge portion of my daily activities were changed with his loss, I can still move on. I guess I'm having a delayed reaction to all of this, but it's better than feeling like I was missing some essential emotions (which I kind of have been until now). What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad I am human, but still missing Jamie.

Clash of the Titans

The battle for the wide world has been set in motion.

The moment to choose sides has arrived.

There will be only one survivor.

The question that remains is: are you an Apple or a Google?

Personally, I'm torn. I feel a deep loyalty to Google because of a longstanding agreement on our collective awesomeness, yet Apple brought the sexy back into the geek world, a feat that I am acutely grateful for. The gauntlet (to my memory) was thrown when the Android phones started outselling iPhones and now Google is about to surpass its coolness with the integration of TV. But a secret part of me wants to embrace the hipster lifestyle and be too cool for open software platforms. How am I to choose between boss-hood and a judgement seat?

It seems inevitable that one of these companies will try to take over the world, I just don't know which I want to have Brain on their side...

Opulence, I Has It.

Pride and Predjudice

Is it me or does everyone else sigh with relief when you walk into the break room and no one is inside? I mean, I actually have a mild anxiety attack when I think of having to chit-chat with people who I only share a workplace in common with. Actually, it doesn't just have to do with work, it's any place where I know that there will be someone I don't know very well trying to have a conversation with me. And it's not just because it's a little awkward, I think it mostly has to do with the fact that most people are stupid and I don't want to have to sift through their inanity to actually find some comment I can make that has anything remotely to do with what they're saying. I shouldn't have to work when I'm on a break, and that includes talking to people who would be working at Wal-Mart except for the fact that they have too many teeth. I have a limited number of times I can say, "Oh really?" before people start suspecting that I'm not paying attention to them, and that means that on some level I have to pay attention and that just makes me tired. I don't want to know anything about you. I don't want to have any pieces of your life floating around in my mind. And I definitely don't want to have to pity laugh at everything you say while your eyes are roaming around the room because in some part of your brain you know what you're saying is barely coherent.

So, when I walk into a room that is potentially containing people I get a little concerned. I know it's a little mean of me to feel this way, but as Mr. Bennet says, "I am heartily ashamed of myself... But don't despair; it'll pass, and no doubt more quickly than it should."

Phrases That Are Probably Cooler To Me Than To You

That's fine.

That guy just salted my game.

That makes me want to die.

Don't do that, it's a trap!

(The state of being) Rickroll'd.

That's just another sign that robots are taking over.

I am slow cookin' in here (can be used in a hot tub or just a hot room situation, but I think the hot tub one implies more of the crock pot imagery).

Look What I Did:

Twhat?!

First of all, if you haven't seen The Social Network trailer, watch this (don't get me started on the legitimacy of a movie about Facebook (a "company" that hasn't even been around for 10 years...)):

Secondly, watch this parody of the above trailer:

Okay, here's my deal with Twitter (cause I know you're all dying to hear my opinion about it, don't be shy, it's okay to admit to an Elspeth dependency), I think it's stupid and boring like the trailer said. But besides the fact that there's really no point to it, I could still probably get into it because I like to be in the know of what my favorite celebrities are doing. However the mere thought of all of those updates just makes me tired. I went on it once to look up stuff about The LXD and I was hit with information overload. I don't even know how to decipher what people are saying, there are too many symbols (soon we won't have to worry about mechanical robots taking over the world because we'll all be speaking binary code (aka we'll be the robots)). Not to mention the fact that even if I only follow one person I still will have to know who all the rest of the people are who post on their page, or else I'll be totally lost. It just seems like too much work, so I don't do it... and there is the philosophy of my life.

Cerebellumed!

It's official, I am once again suckered into loving children that aren't mine, and are actually kind of annoying... What is it about kindergarteners who don't know how to be quiet, haven't figured out how a lunch line works, or can't even remember their full names that just gets me in my emotions heart? This year we have 28 kids, one of which is probably special ed and still wears a diaper, and after spending 4 hours with them instead of being brought almost to insanity (which any sane person would be so maybe it's already happened) I'm actually elated. My guess is that either I've found my calling in life or I've gotten to the point where my body is trained not to feel exhaustion. Suffice it to say, I love kindergarten, although I'm not in an ESL class anymore and I kinda miss the diversity. Still, life is good when I get to hang out with crazy kids all morning!

You know, I never really understood the poster that said, "All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten" until I started this job. Being at school for the first time really sets you up for life. You have to be trained on so many things, like how to stand in line, how to treat other people in large settings, respect, and a myriad of other social cues that I could probably name for days. The amount of societal structure learned in the first few months of kindergarten is pretty insane. I just got a little nervous...

If you send your kid to my classroom and they come back thinking singing out loud is just what you do when there's nothing else going on I'm probably going to deny I had any involvement, but feel free to blame me anyway (I really can't help it).

Taste of Tucson

Don't worry, I'm not gunna feed you dirt or beans. This is more of a mental taste of the fun times I've had this summer:

Zac: "Wait, what? the No-tell Motel? That's where you go for speed humps?"

Brandon: "I'm always down for being in the bathroom naked, but never with my pants on. Someone else's pants: occasionally."

JK: "I'm okay with most things but sucking on my plate is not one of them."

Alex: "I don't make it hot, I make it cozy."

Caden: "Make sure you wash that slut off."

Jarom: "Porn shops go where they need to go to get business."

Jenny: "I think it's the smut couch over there."

Luca: "Please tell Brandon I don't do guys."

Sasha: "Riding a horse? I don't get it, then you'd just get there faster."

Jon: "I win, I stayed on the chair all night."

The Bat Cave: "One and done."

Zac: "Thanks for letting me lick your finger."

Tow Truck Driver Charlie: "I've seen all these people spraying down the dirt in their yards, they must just be trying to clean the dirt."

Oh Tucson, I think I love you even more now!

Indie Rage

I don't know what musical orientation everyone out there is so if you're not of the indie (aka white-bred-ultimately-failed-with-regular-rock-and-now-trying-a-new-way-to-stick-it-to-the-man-neosis) rock persuasion then I don't know how well you'll be able to relate to the rest of this post. But I think there's a little bit of Indie Rage in all of us so you should be fine.

What I have named Indie Rage is the feeling you get after you've discovered a gem of a band that no one knows about, shared it with all of your friends, and now they know the words as well as you do so you're obviously not the trend setter (or cool) anymore. The Rage feels not just angry, but also like someone has invaded your personal area and tried to take over. It can be frustrating and agitating. I mean, you're always trying so hard to be ahead of the pack and now you've been shoved back in it.

This rage doesn't necessarily have to do with music either. It can be anything that no one knows about until you demonstrate it for them and then they are in a loop that you wanted to be sole ruler of. And in that statement is a paradox which I don't know how to get out of. I'll start to explain this with a question: what makes life meaningful?

Life is meaningful when you share it with other people. I firmly believe that without a close circle of friends, people would disintegrate (not physically (although that would be cool) but rather emotionally and spiritually). Consequently, when you find something awesome what would it be worth if you couldn't share it with your friends? I know from experience that it definitely does not mean as much until I've shown it to other people. But then when those other people have learned the lyrics that I memorized first, the Rage comes in and I am left feeling like I was stripped of something special. Of course there are people who feel the Rage so strongly that they take it too far and never share anything with anybody. I think these people either a. take themselves too seriously, or b. are a bit socially inept and therefore don't have anyone to share it with anyway.

So, how do I make something meaningful and also special? Is believing these words to be opposite a fallacy? Does the fault lie with my personal beliefs, or with what society has engendered in me? Maybe people are not meant to live in large quantities. I think we all want to be unique but when we're surrounded by droves we see all the pieces of ourselves and conclude that there isn't a way to actually be anomalous.

I'm not saying that I think everyone should live in a small town. And I'm definitely not suggesting that there isn't a way to be singular, or that we should stop trying to achieve that. What I am suggesting is that by trying to standout with choices, like music, that are inherently meant to be shared, we'll never produce something original. We need to let go of the Indie Rage causing parts of our personalities and just accept the conglomeration of ourselves which genuinely makes us special. Or, in other words, recognize that our whole is greater than the sum of our parts.

The Best of the Internet

So, for the past few days I have been sucked in to looking at picture lists on the internet of all sorts of things. Funny things, perceptive things, even artsy things. Well, I've downloaded a few of them and now I want to share them with you:

Break Dance Crime Scene

Do You Ever Have a Hard Time Cutting Through Pennies?

Right now I'm a knife sales woman. Cutco knives, only the best. In a normal demonstration we go through each knife in a particular set and tell the names and uses of each. But I wanted to put my own little spin on it so I gave each a nickname (Sasha helped out too).

You have your:

"Dice it up nice" parring knife,

"Never squish another tomato" trimmer,

"No brownie left behind" spatula spreader,

"My jack-o-lantern is the best" petite carver,

"Can cook my bacon and eat it too" turning fork,

"Didn't need time to defrost" butcher knife,

"Fresh from the oven with butter" slicer,

"No plug-in required to cut through this bird" carving knife and fork,

"Look I'm pro already" chef knife,

"Bad boy" hardy slicer,

"Saves you time to work on that sudoku" santoku knife,

"I actually cut the cheese" cheese knife,

"Even if my meat is tough no one will notice 'til they chew" table knife,

and,

"Really does lift and separate" cleaver.

Now if those nicknames don't make you want to buy a set of knives from me then I don't know what will...

A Laughing Matter

First question: why wasn't I a part of this?

Second question: how can I set something like this up?

Third question: is it prideful of me to set up a competition where I know I would win?

My James Bond Moment

As most of you know I used to work for a Chinese restaurant (The Mandarin Grill) where I started as a delivery driver. But what you don't know is that I have secret ninja skills (hence the Chinese restaurant). One night, when I was a fairly new driver, I had gotten an order and went out to my car to start my journey to light someone's life up. After I started my car I thought, "I don't know where I'm going". So I decided to quickly run back inside and look at the map. I got out of my car and as I'm about to walk inside a miracle happened: I remembered where the address was. It wasn't a miracle that I remembered, mind you, but rather the fact that I didn't actually go inside to figure it out. This was because when I turned around to go back to my car I saw it rolling away from me, right into the street. On pure instinct (or maybe I've been training for years?) I ran after my car, got the keys out of my pocket, pushed unlock on the remote, opened up the door and dove in just in time to hit the brakes before that car would've left my life forever. It was pretty epic, and I felt like an action hero.

But the best part was that my boss, Winni, had seen it all happen on the camera. She told me that she was yelling inside the restaurant and even scared some customers. Of course, all of that happened without my knowledge and so after I hit the brakes I shut the door, turned the car back on, and headed out to deliver the food. But before I could turn onto the main street, Bee, a cashier, ran out to ask me if I was okay since I had disappeared from camera before I actually stopped the car. It all ended with a "yeah I'm fine" and I went on with my night.

For a moment I was awesome. For a moment I actually felt athletic. For a moment I was Bond, James Bond.

Stay Awake Syndrome

I think some people would make the mistake of calling this insomnia, but they'd be wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me but there comes a point at night when I'm tired and if I just finish my nightly routine then I can go to sleep but I take forever to actually do it.

I think it also has something to do with the internet. I mean, while sometimes the usual hot spots on the internet can be pretty boring (facebook, blogstalking, email (which has basically gone the way of caller I.D.: super cool when it first came out and now is just another way for me to reject people who want to stay in contact with me), etc.) there are still a million things to entertain yourself with on the internet.

I'm an addiction junkie. I'm not ashamed to admit it. But this does mean that once I've committed to whatever I've just stumbled upon I won't stop until I know most everything about it, despite the time. So when I suddenly discover the wonder of multitracks then I'm gunna watch at least a dozen of them. And when I find a blog that speaks to the geek in me I won't be able to stop reading until I've seen every "Best Post". Or when I actually feel like connecting with people then I do turn to facebook and look at all their pictures, notes, and any other fun things on their wall. I think I'm best at stalking when it's late at night. But I guess that's why stalkers are usually depicted at night. Hey, maybe they're not really creepers they're just people looking to procrastinate going to bed? Think about it.

Dear Hulu,

Who knew how great you would be? I sure didn't. In fact, when I first heard about you, I thought that Todd was speaking baby talk, and that you really couldn't be as fabulous as he claimed you were (not to mention the fact that I couldn't find you because I thought you were spelled wholoo). I am so happy to say that he was right.

As the years have gone by, my love for you has grown directly proportionate to how many shows you've gained the rights to exhibit with short commercial breaks. I don't know what my need for an addiction would be placed on without your endless tracks of television.

Thank you for telling me what shows I would like based on what I watch. Thank you for putting the most popular shows on your front page. But most of all, thank you for adding ABC shows to your ranks (don't worry, we'll get The CW one of these days...).

I don't know how (except the fact that I go to your page more than once a day), but you've made me who I am. You have changed my world forever, and I never want to go back to those long ago days when I had to watch a show when it was first aired (or more recently when it was blurry because I was watching them on a Chinese website). Oh bless you Hulu, because now I don't have to be subject to air! Now I am subject only to nets.

Hulu, you are the reason that Al invented the internet. You are its crowning achievement.

Thank you Hulu, thank you.

Second Life

This is my 50th post, how exciting is that? Some of you may have read a different 50th post but now you see it's not there. The obvious answer to this dilemma is that you went back in time, from before I wrote the post: SURPRISE ATTACK!! I know that's what happened to me, if only it had warped me to before I ever saw Legends of the Fall...

Anyway, I was inspired by a comment that Lindsay (Dick, to those unfortunate enough to not know who I'm talking about) made earlier this evening. We were talking about Chuck and how the character Bryce Larkin technically died on that show, but she said, "he didn't really die, he just went into protective services and is now Neil Caffrey who solves crime with the FBI" (okay so those aren't her exact words, but who has the time to memorize exactly what people say (Colton)). So, I thought it would be interesting to take a journey with some of my favorite TV actors through their characters. Here we go:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Most of us know him as lovable and oh so charming Zack Morris. He was definitely my first TV crush. Well, apparently when you grow up with privilege (I mean he probably had the first cell phone ever made) what you really turn out to be is a gritty police officer in New York. I really can't understand why someone who got Kelly Kapowski (who is now, btw, married to the FBI agent that Neil Caffrey works with... coincidence?) in high school and made every teenage girl's heart swoon would then grow out his hair and become disgusting, but if you've got something to prove...

David Boreanaz

This one is easy because of course a soulful vampire would want to solve crimes. In fact, I believe Angel tried to help stop other vampires from killing people. And now Special Agent Seeley Booth (sounds like an alias to me) works exclusively with skeletal remains. I think it's because he doesn't want to be tempted by the blood residing in normal cadavers.

Neil Patrick Harris

Barney Stinson's misogynistic ways can clearly be traced back to the fact that he was a doctor by 14. If I grew up with so much power I definitely would be legen... wait for it, wait for it, I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next word is... dary.

Lauren Graham

She started out as a quirky commitment-phobe with mother issues and now she's a quirky commitment-phobe with daddy issues. I think she's definitely branching out.

Courteney Cox

Well, apparently after Chandler and her moved to the country with their baby(s?) they decided that it just wasn't going to work out because now she's obviously divorced and living the dangerous life of a cougar (if you don't know what that means then you are too far behind in pop culture to even understand this post). Poor Monica, all she ever wanted was someone to love her.

Rainn Wilson

This Tim Alan loving alien turned out all right. He now sells paper and is loving Steve Carell instead. I think it's an improvement, personally. (This one is a stretch because technically I'm referencing a movie...)

And my favorite person right now:

Joshua Jackson

This boy has had a hard life, first he had to learn how to do the Flying V to save the hockey game, and then he had to love Joey Potter. But finally he's grown up and now investigates The Pattern with his nutty professor father and love-of-his-life Olivia. I'm proud of that boy.

This message was sponsored by our good friends over at IMDB.com. If you have any other journeys that have inspired you please feel free to share them with us.

Ode To A Truck

My Nissan Frontier I admit is not great,

At least not to anyone else.

But when it was given to me, it was fate,

And when I see it my heart melts.

My adventures within it's doors have been many,

Including the Bump on which everyone screams.

The music fills its cabin with a cacophony,

And even beyond its fair seams.

Though old and wrinkled it may be,

I will miss it once summer is through.

For although it has never been mine technically,

We have been through quests not a few.

America's (Maybe) Got Talent

It's decided that people shouldn't be allowed to perform "talent" acts that look like it was put together one otherwise uneventful hour in someone's basement, or ones that are boring. Please save the operatic and solo piano numbers for your personal recitals. They're not entertaining to K-6th graders, or to the heckling teachers who's laughter embarrassingly and unintentionally fills the room (sorry about that...). If you must sing by yourself it would be appreciated if you wouldn't just stand there and sing, if we wanted to watch a song we would stare at our speakers. Big group numbers are mostly fun but make sure there are some flashy streamers and LOTS of movement. But I really think the problem lies with the so-called judges decisions on who gets to perform, you really should be more discriminating, don't give these kids false hopes for life. Also, if the show lasts more than an hour it's time to start cutting .

Oh the Hunger!

If you haven't already, you should read these books, and be excited for the last one:

Time Travel

That would have to be the biggest surprise attack of anyone's life. Or at least it seems that way in every story I've ever read/heard/seen about anyone who is shot through the 4th dimension. Although, I think that people make it more complicated to understand than it really is. I mean, is it really so hard to comprehend that while you may have been deported to the past your future is still relatively unknown? In other words: your future is happening in the past of the time you were born in but that doesn't make it set in stone, or spelled out for you. Or, is it so strange that someone coming from the future and explaining things changes the course of that time? On that note, I think if I were ever thrown back in time that I wouldn't be able to do anything significant because I would be too afraid that my actions would change the course of reality, even if I was assured that what I was doing was necessary.

Still, if I had to travel through time, here are the top ways I'd like it to happen:

5. Hit my head and wake up somewhere else

4. Slide on the river in the Rainbow Room

3. Fall through a worm-hole

2. Blink of my eyes (total control)

and...

1. Electrified phone booth

But lets be real: living in the age of computers and excellent TV is probably the best place for me, so I'm glad that time travel doesn't really exist (I think...).

I Just Figured Out How To Do This

I knew that a person could take a "snapshot" of their computer screen but I didn't know how to do it until right now. Anyway, the thing I wanted to take a picture of turned out so cool I want to share it with you, and yes, that is a robot unicorn:

But, as cool as these pictures are, they are nothing compared to the music so you'll just have to play this awesome game at: http://games.adultswim.com/robot-unicorn-attack-twitchy-online-game.html

Oh, Brother...

Since moving home I have been living with my brother Isaac (I think I've mentioned it before), and occasionally my parents come back from Philadelphia for a weekend or two. It's been great just having two people in the house. And me being the older sister, I get to boss Isaac around to some extent so my control issues are well satisfied. But, last week my older brother Ben landed on the side of laziness in finding a new place of residence and now he is living with us too. So far it's been fine, but Ben has this way of commanding your attention whenever he's around. This, of course, means that I can't get through any of my shows unless A. he's not here, or 2. I escape to my room. I guess that's okay, my room's pretty rad. It's just having to get used to living with someone who I haven't lived with for at least 7 years. I don't know how it'll all work out, but maybe the dishes will get done more frequently cause Ben hates a full sink. That'll be nice...

Kids in the Hall

As I've mentioned before, I'm an aide in a kindergarten class, and I absolutely love it! There is literally no other job I could imagine being better for me than this one. It's not one of those lame jobs that's just earning money, I actually feel like I'm a part of the world, and I genuinely have fun with all of those kids. Yes, sometimes I want to kill myself and some of the kids along with me, and there are those kids that I wish I did not have to deal with, but mostly I just love it. Anyway, here are some pictures to show you how cute my kids are (these are from the Phoenix Zoo, the cafeteria, and the last one is from a dance party we had a few days ago):

He's doing his old man dance, he also knows all the words to Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me", it's adorable

An Elspeth Digital Short (or three)

Wii Would Like to Play

My sister has told me that no one else loves Mario Kart as much as I do, which may be true, but I'm pretty sure there are some hard core Mario Kart-ers out there. I don't know what's so fascinating about that game, but if you've never played it, you need to (the Wii version)! Here's an ode to that game that I can't get enough of:

The Lovely Gnomes

As before mentioned, here is my post about my gnomes, finally. If you don't know me then you don't know about my mild obsession with these little guys. If you do know me, you've definitely heard about them before but I'll reiterate just so everyone's clear. I think I started loving them when I was watching Gilmore Girls (the first time) and Babette had garden gnomes that were adorable and I was enchanted with them. So, when my friend and I decided to come up with contingency plans in case we don't get married I decided to become the Gnome Lady, this includes moving them around my yard and talking to them to achieve the coveted "lets walk on the other side of the street" label from the neighborhood children.

Of course, once people find out about my love for gnomes they see them everywhere and will send me pictures and sometimes even buy them for me. Actually, I have only ever bought three gnomes that were each a dollar. Sadly two of them have died due to breakage. Also, I just want to make a note that I loved gnomes way before this new craze for them started, which makes them MY gimmick and I will fight anyone who tries to take it from me...

Okay, back to the gnomes, from left to right: Lumber Gnome (he has an axe hidden behind him), Gnombledor (cause he has the glasses and looks a bit gay), Gnome Alaska (he's the first one I was ever given), Gnomo (the big one in the back, he's Italian), Gnome Chompsky (the one with the goose), Gnome Mercy (cause he has poison in his watering bucket), Oh Gnome You Didn't (he is a little beat up), Hear Gnome Evil (his two brothers, Speak Gnome Evil and See Gnome Evil are the ones that shattered), and Hosier Gnome (cause he was liberated from an Indiana yard). Now, you might be thinking to yourself, she forgot to tell us the name of the one on the shelf below, but I didn't forget about him, I just forgot what we named him. We had a really good name for him, but it has been removed from my brain (possibly by aliens who are jealous), so if you want to try naming him, be my guest! He is a special gnome though because he talks when people walk past him, mostly negative things too.

Lumber Gnome

Gnombledor, Gnome Alaska, Gnomo, and Gnome Chompsky

Gnome Mercy, Oh Gnome You Didn't, and Hear Gnome Evil

Hosier Gnome

Suffice it to say, I think they're great and can't wait to have a real yard to put them in, even though I'm afraid they'll probably get stolen, but, as Mufasa tells us, that's the circle of life.

I Went Outside and It Was a Bad Decision

Let me start by saying that it's Spring Break for me, which should imply that I do not get ready for the day until it's night. This means that when Emma, Holly, and I decided to go eat fresh today I was in a greasy state and therefore not going to get out of the car, so I sent the girls in with my order instead. As I was sitting outside of Subway, trying not to look any passersby in the eyes, this weirdo guy who was probably on drugs (he WAS eating Pizza Patron, if you know what I mean...) rushes out with a bulging mouth which I just know is full of puke. I didn't have to wonder about that for long because he almost immediately starts spewing throw-up on the ground in a mad rush for the trash can. Of course I watch most of this happen (who could look away?) but, in an effort to give him some privacy, I turn away before he's finished. I know that if I had just retched in a can I wouldn't want anyone looking at me when it's over, that would be awkward. But of course I couldn't not glance back a few seconds later, and when I did that guy was looking at me, seeming actually trying to get my attention. He was waving his hands in an effort (I think) to say that it was okay that I had seen whatever was in his stomach come back out. I think I gave him a little nod and then I looked away again. When I glanced back the second time, he had moved toward the door but was still looking at me and put his fingers to his mouth in the universal sign for cigarette to which I awkwardly shook my head and then looked away determined never to have him in my sight line again. But when he went back inside (he actually ate more pizza) I was looking at Emma with "can-you-believe-what-just-happened" eyes and when I swept the rest of the room that weirdo was staring at me with a "haha-you-just-saw-me-throw-up-and-now-I-think-I-want-you-to-have-my-children" grin on his face. That time I moved my head so that something was blocking his face from mine and never did look back.

You see, this is why I don't go out more often...

Fanny Pack Packers

I knew that fanny packs were humorous, but I did not realize just how hilarious (high-larious as my Dad would say) they were until I did a google image search. I thought I'd brighten your day with the best ones I found, enjoy:

My Life Story

Do you ever think about what few words would describe your life, or is that just what recluses think about? A few of the titles that I think would work for my own autobiography are:

This Double-Chin of Mine

Pie Lovers (Not-so-) Anonymous

When Your Best Friends are Fictional

Living Comfortably Means Wearing Pajamas

Trying to Live Without the Symptoms of Reality

Living with Creative Jealousy

A Complex Made of Books

and,

When White Walls Turn Brown

You're turn:

(also, as a special bonus, if you comment I'll make one up for you, providing that I know you well enough to do so, or else I'll just BS it...)

Store Happenings

I love interacting with complete strangers, there's no pressure on the brief encounter (unless, of course, they make you nervous with their attractiveness). Anyway, I thought I'd share some of my favorite encounters with people I've only ever seen once in my life:

While I was working at Mervyns (years ago) this jewish couple came into the store (I think they were buying some pants for the husband), but as they were purchasing whatever it was they were purchasing the husband reads my nametag and says, "that's not a real name..."

to which I replied, "yeah it is."

So he asked "how do you say it?"

"Elspeth"

Then he turns to his wife and says with a glint (or apple if you prefer) in his eye, "our next daughter..."

But the funny part is when his wife replied, "tell her how old I am and how we're not going to have any more children."

That seemed the end but as they were walking out I heard him say, "she said it was a real name..."

"David!"

"she said it was a real name..."

Next, just recently, when I went to Barnes and Noble (you probably remember the book buying frenzy) I was just browsing through the store when I heard one of the clerks say, "Get me off this crazy little thing..."

To which I replied, "...called love."

He then chuckled and said, "I love that."

And while he was walking away he said, "It's like an orange on a toothpick!"

If you haven't seen So I Married an Axe Murderer then you won't get this reference, but I was really happy that I decided to complete that sentence.

Love has an Acronym

This probably won't come as a shock to you but I love television, the tube, tv... brain rotting, whatever name you have for it, that's what I love! I personally feel that anyone who doesn't like it, or even just claims not to like it, is insane. TV combines my need to do something with my innate laziness. I can watch, and will most likely enjoy, almost anything that comes through that beautiful box. But, what is really great about it is when you find a show that fascinates you to the point where you don't want to do anything else but watch it. I have a lot of shows like this: Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy, Alias, Lost, Fringe, One Tree Hill, the first two seasons of Heroes, and (I'm a little ashamed of this one) Roswell, to name a few. There is just something delightful about watching television that I can't get enough of it. If you're going to hate on me for this, go ahead, but I'm going to keep watching too much TV and enjoying every minute of it!

Jamie D. Patel

April 27, 1983 - Feburary 11, 2010

To Jamie, who always demanded that everyone be themselves:

Jamie to Dave: "You need some package handling?"

Winni (Dave's wife): "That's my job."

Carissa: "What time is it?"

Jamie: "It's a quarter 'til."

Carissa: "So it's like 7:30 then?"

Jamie: "Drape this money all over me so I look like a dead hooker."

Jamie: "I love feeling out of place first thing in the morning"

Jamie: "I've spent years trying to be obese, and it's not working out"

Jamie: "If I got 5 bucks for every time I was licked on at this job I'd walk out of here with 15 grand."

Jamie: "If pooping is anything like childbirth then I'm a little jealous"

Jamie: "it's not crazy like: 'I want 500 pizza's... here's a penny', or 'thanks for my pizza, now could you sit on it?'"

Jamie: " 'Aight, I can't hang out with you when you're in heat."

Jamie: "I must be dyslexic, cause I saw those pedestrians crossing the road and I thought one of them was wearing a bear suit."

Jamie: "This really does give a lot of support."

Jamie: "I honestly thought he was sane, my mistake."

Jamie: "I hate how I love you guys."

Jamie: "I need some validation about cankles in my life."

Jamie: "There's only one thing that wakes me up, and that's apologies!"

Jamie: "Food for the masses makes me reek!"

Jaime: "Guess what? We went fishing yesterday and I caught no fish, but Elspeth caught two!"

Jamie: "You need to control your hair."

Me: "Jamie, are we going to be friends forever?"

Jamie: "I hope so."

We all will miss him very much. Please comment with stories or quotes, favorite moments of Jamie.

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

Lindsay just introduced me to this shirt found on amazon.com, and while this shirt is pretty rad the best part is the first review below, enjoy:

5.0 out of 5 stars Dual Function Design, November 10, 2008

By	B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern" (New Jersey, USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

To purchase click here.